Confessions of a simply complicated girl..

Am I pretty?

2011-02-23T14:01:00.000-08:00

Am I pretty?
Do I fit the type, standard or expectations you seek in a women?
Or am I too under the level of what's good enough for you?
One can try to feel good about themselves, build self confidence, and try to be happy. Then a person as shallow as a puddle can take that away, by a thoughtless action and hurtful words.
Is it sad that the way one person treats you, can potentially always make you compare yourself to other women who may be more his type, who may be prettier, or may be the person that's...
Better than you?
Well life can be fucked up that way.
He can go for the others you compare yourself too. But the truth is... there is no one who is better at being you...
Than you...
So I ask again... Am I pretty?

DAMN STRAIGHT I AM.

Need a second to breathe.

2010-07-04T23:05:00.000-07:00

Yes... I'm afraid.

There might have been a time.
When everything i did was a mistake.
Oh once upon a time.
My heart was in the right place.

Now...
Here we are.
So, don't give up on me.
Please, don't give up on me.....

Just don't give up.
I'm working on me.
It messed me up.
Bad memories.

Need a second to breathe.
One more second to breathe....

Yea... It's plain to see.
That I try to beautiful...
So hard to be beautiful.

Yeah, there might have been a time.
When I would let you slip away.
I wouldn't even try.
All I could do was blame me.

But we saved each others lives.
Open your eyes and see.

So it begins again.

2010-03-19T16:02:00.000-07:00

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do.

I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow."
So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all "Yellow."

Your skin..
Oh, your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
You know, you know I love you so,
You know I love you so.

I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all "Yellow."

It's true, look how they shine for you.
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.

We were pure "Yellow."

Trying to make sense of it all. I am putting my words away.

2010-02-20T10:59:00.000-08:00

Old memories flash before my eyes..The last time this had happened to me... i stopped writing... from poems, to songs, stories, everything.The fact that this time, i really put my whole heart out there. Its difficult to comprehend, to undertstand. Now... Im Trying to make sense of it all. Im trying to accept i am not good enough, i let my guard down and i trusted someone. Now that its all gone, i want to work on myself and try not to give up on it. At this point, all i have are my words. But im afraid those will not be written any longer. Until i can write again, i hope i dont continue to hurt myself like this. Because i know im a strong person. I thought all my pain was gone. I was wrong. I am also accepting the fact that i lost my only chance of finding happiness in another. I need to be content with the fact that i may just be alone for the rest of my life. I touched real love and warmth once, i am a fool if i think that will happen more then once in a life time. Though its all done, i will keep that tiny bit of hope tucked in somewhere. My head is not on straight at this point... the sense of all my words are fading... which is yet another sign, that I am putting my words away and Closing my heart.
i see you...
but you dont want to see me...

Things you said.

2010-02-15T23:33:00.001-08:00

It felt like springtime on this February morning. I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel alright, I carried them with me today. Though I'm far away, I'll whisper your name into the sky, And I will make up happy. Heavy hearted, Till you call my name. Though it's not clear to me, Every season has its change. And I will see youWhen the sun comes out again.

Reason for.

2009-12-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

Love the people who treat you right. Care for the ones who don't just because you can. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Anger slowly. Forgive quickly. God never said life would be easy. He just promised it would be worth it.

The End of It All? 2012.

2009-11-07T22:00:00.000-08:00

I finally felt it was time to throw my opinion out there of the much talked about end of the world in 2012. I've heard many theories for what's in store for all of us in 2012, about the planets lining up, the predictions of the Mayan calendar and of course the bible "End of Days"

Im not here to write which one of these theories are correct, Im not here to say all of these theories are wrong or false. Im simply writing this to express the phrase "So let it be done"

Now before you all claw at me for thinking I don't care about the bible and God, or perhaps thinking I'm in denial about the natural doom of the lining of the planets in our galaxy. Let me explain. 50% of the people on this earth believe the world shall end in 2012, the other 50% believe the world will end, but not that year or just don't believe in it at all. But what it comes down to is... why should it matter? If the world should end, it will end, there is nothing we can physically do to stop it. But why are we living in fear now?

This prediction of the world ending is making most people stop and just worry. You need to live life, be with your family, this world was not created to wallow in fear and just wait for the world to end. We should not get full on fear and death. We must serve ourselves with gratitude and this beautiful life we were given.

Are we all to just stop living out our lives because our world may end in a certain time? We can be so ridiculous when we are told something may come true. Take a step back and really think. People with cancer, decease, any type of death sentenced sickness... for most of them, having a certain time left to live IS THEIR REALITY! Even before this fatal prediction, they don't take their life for granted. Who are we to take our lives for granted when all we have to worry about is something that may or may not be true.

If this is the end of it all, Let it be done.

Just cherish what you were given now.

Paranormal Activity Review

2009-10-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

This next blog entry wont be my typical writing. I decided to throw out my opinion on the new movie "Paranormal Activity"

What seems to be the biggest horror film/documentary since "The Blair Witch Project" comes a classic story of what goes bump in the night. "Paranormal Activity" has got quite the attention this past month that also has a lot of people talking and has a lot of people scared to go to sleep.

"Paranormal Activity" was originally made in 2007 (took place in 2006). Its about a young couple living in average suburban house and they begin experiencing more and more paranormal activity at night. They decide to document these events to further figure out what is going on in their home. Only now has this horror flick gone mainstream. It stirred up a lot of talk after some test screens in which rumor spread around how scary this movie was. People demanded it and recently is now showing in all movie theaters.

After listening to everyones opinions about it, i decided to check it out myself. All and all i thought it was a great movie, I enjoy movies that portray real life events and raw footage instead of over done special effects. While watching it in the theater i was anticipating to watch the most horrifying movie of my entire life. But it was not as scary as i thought it would be, a few loud pop ups and intense moments of course made me jump and at the end of the movie i wasnt shaking in fear, that is until i got home.

What makes a good horror film isnt the crazy special effects or the bloody zombies. Its what it does to your mind, I love a horror film that leaves me questions and makes you think about it long after the movie is over. I couldnt get to sleep after the movie, it had me jumpy and a bit paranoid the whole night. It just made the movie that much better.

A lot of people said it sucked, it was horrible and it wasnt scary. I understand everyone has their own opinions, but think of it this way... One of the main reasons this movie got popular was word of mouth, opinions that were taken to heart, so right away everyone had HIGH expectations for this movie. The minute it was slightly lower then what they expected they automatically felt it was a horrible movie. I dont think it shouldve been put on such a high scale. For a horror film, it was great, it had a simple story with erie moments that stayed with you just by watching these "home videos" besides some shaky moments of the video camera it was a well put together movie.

~~~~~~~~ SPOILERS~~~~~~~~

I love the fact it was simple video camera the whole film, its been years since they tried this simple technique, Its the closest thing besides a real life experience you can get. Although the first quarter of the movie was a bit slow, i enjoyed the length of the movie, good timing and not dragging along. My favorite feature of the film which i felt was a unique twist to it, was the fact there were NO ending credits besides a quick screen of paramount pictures facts. I felt that was such a creative and brilliant add on to the films ambiance. Unlike "The Blair Witch Project" this movie actually showed you something to keep haunting your mind, it gave you a taste of a horrific image that wasnt over done, but shown right at the end so your still left with questions and uneasy feeling that some of the events that you just saw can potentially happen.

Overall grade of this movie 8 out of 10.

Its a beautiful life.

2009-10-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

Remember the days where it wasnt "oh yea dude i totally DGAF, cuz im so cool with my smokes and lifted truck" it was when you didnt even care to notice the drama, problems and the stupid crap time-wasters that stupid people brought up because we were too busy having a care-free life on the swing set, in front of a tv watching awesome 90's shows and playing with toys using something called an imagination.... I miss those days. Dont you?

Growing up is apart of life... But must we loose the fun in life? I mean now a days everyone seems to see fun as acting like a bitch or asshole to portray a certain role to have "fun" which is sex, parties and getting high and wasted. I mean nothing is wrong with that kinda fun... But we loose that small part of us that enjoy the simple things in life.

Some people really tick me off when they act all hard and think the whole world revolves around them. Get a clue sherlock "homie"... No one cares how your tattoo shows you dont give a fuck, when in reality you really do give a fuck because you want the attention from every single person who might give you a drop of satisfaction to go with your "Tool" role in life, therefore by getting this ridiculous tattoo, you go on thinking that acting like this you may actually make something of yourself.

Stop pretending to be someone your clearly not. Appreciate this gift you were given called life. Stop wasting it. Enjoy it and look around... Nothing is more beautiful.

Trapped in My Mind.

2009-09-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

Many writers are seen as different then some people. They are often portrayed as different, simply because they are labeled as some may say "Artsy". Which most people are intimidated by, so instead of being more open to the minds of writers, people just end up judging them.

I write as a hobby, it seems to be my way of escaping. To just talk to myself for a while. A few years back when i wrote more often, something made me stop. I got mad at myself over and over that i was weak enough to let someone stop me from writing. I let that person take my heart and not only break it, but broke my spirit to write. From then, it seemed like my writing was never the same.

Long after that i had begun to heal, i went through much more, i tried to build a thick skin. I didnt want one of my passions to be taken away from me again. I had huge trust issues... to the point i didnt even trust my self to write again. So i kept it all in my head.

Usually my mind's thoughts seem to work faster then my hand. Before, i was content and not upset at myself to be able to take the time and really write most of my thoughts down. But, since then, its almost as if im afraid to fully write out my thoughts.

Its trapped in my mind.

I argue with myself day in and day out. 9 out of 10 times, it isnt a good thing my thoughts and deep thinking stay in my mind. I want so badly to let it out. But trusting the world, the people around me and even myself.... just seems impossible.

But not long ago.... i let my walls down, i truly felt i was okay with letting out my thoughts, not only on paper or some form of writing, but once again with someone i truly trusted. But i let my past get the best of me. The fear of letting my past repeat itself made me act in a way that disgusts me. I so badly didnt want my past to happen again, i interfered so much with the present, i ruined everything. I so badly wanted to confide in someone about my caged mind. That i acted out of character, not myself, its like i destroyed who i truly was. All while trying to show the half of me i hid from the world.... and myself.

I wish i could really understand why i am like this... It makes me cry knowing making mistakes can hurt people around me... to the point i feel like i can never be forgiven for it.

I want to free my mind, So i can understand myself again. I want the people i care about most, to at least see that i maybe drowning, but still trying to stay a float.... people just do crazy things when they are trying to survive. Even the different ones.

Starting again.

2009-08-21T04:01:00.000-07:00

Why hello there.

I realize that its been quite a while since I've updated my blog. With these many sleepless nights, I finally got the push to start writing again. Plus not to mention Rachel bitched at me to do so also.

Well its been quite a year so far, I've made some terrible mistakes as well as learned that learning from a mistake can hurt just as much as making the mistake in the first place. But I know that by trying to fix certain things, Although right now it may give me a horrible feeling, it'll soon pass and that it was the best thing out the situation. From my mistakes, non of my options were really good, so i will live with the grief, but i knew it had to be done.

My family has actually been put through more crap in the last month or so that i never thought would ever happen. But it just showed that even in the most horrific situations my family didn't forget we always had each other.

Some of my family situations pushed me to really grow up. I've lived most of my life pretty sheltered. Which i don't see as a "bad" thing per-say, I feel i was just very fortunate. I have usually earned everything i have and i know how to stand on my own two feet. But thanks to my wise mother and a lot of thinking, most of what I've done in my life has been because i was told to. Whether it was being asked to clean the kitchen, cooking or running an errand. Then even at work, it was just constant commands. I never really thought for myself. I never really thought if i did this, will it benefit other things and people. Even when it came to school I'm wrapped up in just being told what to do, i cant even really come out and decide what i want to major in.

I'm slowly learning and growing up. I'm bracing for the future. Here i come.

Fresh new start

2008-08-19T01:07:00.000-07:00

So, i havnt blogged in awhile....the last time i actually blogged regularly was my freshmen year of high school. My very first site i even joined was xanga.com, Which is another blogging site. the things i said back then were ridiculous, Typing like this (LyKe OmG nO WaYz) was another stupid act i did while growing up in high school. I came back to Xanga after i graduated, i blogged one last time.....and it was so weird looking how i acted then and now......xanga wasnt working well....the settings were messed up which made me not want to continue. Now with the new ANiTM website/blog im going to start fresh with this blog and hopefully get back into regular blogging.