Trapped in My Mind.

Many writers are seen as different then some people. They are often portrayed as different, simply because they are labeled as some may say "Artsy". Which most people are intimidated by, so instead of being more open to the minds of writers, people just end up judging them. 

I write as a hobby, it seems to be my way of escaping. To just talk to myself for a while. A few years back when i wrote more often, something made me stop. I got mad at myself over and over that i was weak enough to let someone stop me from writing. I let that person take my heart and not only break it, but broke my spirit to write. From then, it seemed like my writing was never the same. 

Long after that i had begun to heal, i went through much more, i tried to build a thick skin. I didnt want one of my passions to be taken away from me again. I had huge trust issues... to the point i didnt even trust my self to write again. So i kept it all in my head.

Usually my mind's thoughts seem to work faster then my hand. Before, i was content and not upset at myself to be able to take the time and really write most of my thoughts down. But, since then, its almost as if im afraid to fully write out my thoughts. 

Its trapped in my mind.

I argue with myself day in and day out. 9 out of 10 times, it isnt a good thing my thoughts and deep thinking stay in my mind. I want so badly to let it out. But trusting the world, the people around me and even myself.... just seems impossible. 

But not long ago.... i let my walls down, i truly felt i was okay with letting out my thoughts, not only on paper or some form of writing, but once again with someone i truly trusted. But i let my past get the best of me. The fear of letting my past repeat itself made me act in a way that disgusts me. I so badly didnt want my past to happen again, i interfered so much with the present, i ruined everything. I so badly wanted to confide in someone about my caged mind. That i acted out of character, not myself, its like i destroyed who i truly was. All while trying to show the half of me i hid from the world.... and myself. 

I wish i could really understand why i am like this... It makes me cry knowing making mistakes can hurt people around me... to the point i feel like i can never be forgiven for it. 

I want to free my mind, So i can understand myself again. I want the people i care about most, to at least see that i maybe drowning, but still trying to stay a float.... people just do crazy things when they are trying to survive. Even the different ones.